Times they are a-changing!

So first off I’d like to say: I GOT HIT BY A CAR.  I make it sound much more dramatic than it actually is, but:

I GOT HIT BY A CAR

FROM BEHIND

AT A RED LIGHT

WHILE ON MY BIKE

Who does that?  Apparently people who drive ugly, old, light blue minivans at Yonge and Dundas, that’s who.  Even the dude in the Day-Glo (apparently a proper noun, thanks spell-check) yellow “FEAR GOD” T-shirt let out some gasps and expletives when the wing mirror smacked into my arm.  FROM BEHIND.  I was completely unscathed, just completely scathing. Especially cos the dude just drove off.  And did I mention buddy came FROM BEHIND, FROM A STOP, because it was a RED LIGHT? I wasn’t even moving yet.

So yeah, I got hit by a car.  I’m totally fine.

New thing number two:  Enter the Solo Living Project.

Come July, the fabulous Miss Brooks is flying the nest like all others before her (“farewell Derrick”, though you remain on my fridge, and “au revoir Dave”, large cans of ice tea will always remind me of you). It’s bittersweet.  Bitter because she was a good roomie, and I shall miss hearing snippets of Jersey Shore waft into my bedroom from her computer.  Sweet because we’ll both be embarking on living alone for the first time EVAH.  As in, clothes are now extra optional.  Also, WHY HELLO THERE EXTRA BEDROOM!

Another bittersweet point is that I will be TOTALLY BROKE.  Most would take that as just plain old bitter.  But not I, no, I’m looking at it as a opportunity to be financially savvy.  And by that I mean, SPEND NO MONEY.  Basically I’m making an exceptionally financially irresponsible decision (spending about 57% of my not particularly spectacular net income on rent) in an attempt to learn some financial responsibility, and well, live alone in my awesome apartment.  People, this place is a gem, and I’m clinging to it as long as I can.

Does this plan sound completely counter intuitive?  Hells yes it dos!  But since when have I ever made any sense?  Exactly.

(Side note and obvious plug:  Do you LOVE baked goods?  YOU DO?  Buy some from me!  Supplement my income!  It’s the most delicious act of charity!)

I have been in the lucky position of having exceptionally low fixed living costs ever since graduating from university and returning to Canada, leaving me with a large chunk of disposable income.  I’m also pretty good with money generally.  Even though I have never earned very much, I have spent it wisely and saved.  My biggest attempts at budgeting up until now have always been along the lines of “buy less dresses”, and not much else.  So now that I have very limited flexible costs, and very high fixed costs I actually have to budget and pay attention to where every single dollar is spent.  This will be exceptionally good for me.  And it will hopefully get me into frugal habits that will continue even when I’m not so broke, so that I can have mad saving skillz. Ah savings, you mythical creature you!

I’m pretty transparent when it comes to my income and expenses (I was not born with the income discretion gene most were), so I MIGHT end up posting my monthly budgets on to this ol’ blog here, because I always think it’s handy to see how people live the way they do.  Regardless of whether I do or don’t, www.mint.com is an exceptional financial tool, which I have started using properly finally, I highly recommend it.  Basically, I just really love pie charts.

Anyway, I’m pretty excited to start off my solo living project, especially as it will be summer.  I feel summer is probably the best season to start living alone.  More sunshine, more warm breezes, more basil plants I can in inevitably murder.  I have a few financially feasible redecorating projects to look forward to, and generally just blissful visions of a summer filled with catching up on all my reading, and napping.  Both free!

An Open Letter to Toronto Bike Thieves: The Hat Trick

Dear Asshat,

I haven’t really thought much about you lately. It’s been most pleasant. I’m calm, peaceful even.

Zen.

I am writing to inform you that my bike is fixed. Finally. I thought you should know. I have a seat post, and it fits into that that sad stump you left exposed when you pilfered my seat all those weeks ago. It took many moons, and all my emotional strength to finally get a post that fits. But get one I did.

You will be happy to know that Duke’s was less than helpful. They “ordered” me a post and kept me in the lurch for three weeks waiting for it to come in. Then when I was tired of waiting I google-stalked and reverse 411’ed NORCO (they, for some strange reason, neglect to put their phone number on their website). As you may recall from my last letter, the charming gentleman who took my call informed me they have a shim that will solve all my woes. I just need a bike store to order it in for me! So I called Duke’s and they “cancelled” my previous seat post “order” to instead “order” me a shim. Another week goes by. I called Duke’s to check in on my shim “order”. Oddly enough it turns out that Duke’s never ordered or cancelled anything, except they did happily charge my credit card $10.00. Magic! They also, apparently, have a clip-board dedicated to me, no doubt strewn with doodles of a she-devil-banshee bitch. I’d like to frame it. Hang it above my fireplace. Show it off to my grand kids one day.

But, my good Asshat, when I called Duke’s for the final time, for the first time ever a lovely, helpful, positively cheerful girl answered my call. And she was kind enough to refund me the $10 and “cancel” my “order” that she said didn’t even exist. Fabulous. Thanks Duke’s! You guys are champs!

So I was back to square one, Asshat. But this time I was saddled with this sentence:

“Please order me the shim from NORCO that will take a 25’4 up to a 28’”.

My ruby red lips clicked out this sentence three times before, like Dorothy, I got exactly what I wanted. The kind soul at Bathurst Cycle (who I might add could do nothing for me five weeks ago) had a sudden revelation. Maybe it was my dejected posture, or my sad sigh as I turned to walk out of his shoppe, or maybe it really was divine intervention. But as I walked out towards the blazing sunlight he said “Miss! Wait! I have an idea!” A choir of angels began to sing as he tore two metal bits off a metal tube and crammed them on another metal tube. He handed me this crafted silver creation, charged me $20, and sent me on my merry way.

Goodbye yellow brick road.

Hello bicycle.

I can ride again, Asshat. And I can remove my seat, so you are less inclined to take it home with you. This whole debacle is finally over. For now. And I bought this T-Shirt to commemorate the whole experience. Sadly the man wearing the T-Shirt is not included, because he looks like he could maybe donkey punch you, real good.

So, as I politely asked you in my first letter:  Please, stay the fuck away from my bike.

Kindest regards,

maggie

An Open Letter to Toronto Bike Thieves: The Duece

Dear Asshat,

You didn’t write back. I guess I’m not surprised.

I have been bikeless for five weeks now. Four of which are your fault. My naturally good-natured demeanor is becoming bitter and testy, like recently soured chocolate milk. I am later for work. I am on a ramen and Tropicana diet, as I have no money left after spending it all on TTC tokens. I can no longer roll on down to my friend’s place to play Mario Kart. This is hardly a life worth living.

I hate you Asshat. I hate you most because along with my seat you stole my seat post.

I understand. It’s easier to take both. Unrigging the seat from the post takes too much time, probably looks more suspicious, just overall more of an effort. But herein lies the problem, my sweet Asshat. That seat post, that metal tube you no doubt used to beat up an old lady for her pensioner’s money, yeah that thing, that thing was 28mm. Now here’s something I bet you never realised, 28mm seat posts DON’T EXIST!!! They are like unicorns, mythical and beautiful, and hard to find in reality. Well Asshat, you not only stole my beautiful seat (which I hope your girlfriend is enjoying, by the way) but you stole the FUCKING UNICORN of SEAT POSTS!!! This poor 28mm seat post is probably lying sadly in a dumpster in Detroit by now, encrusted with grandma’s blood and raccoon urine, reflecting the glow of the distant flames.

I have been on a city-wide search for this ephemeral seat post. This piece of 28mm glory. Do NORCO the manufacturers of my bike make it? No. Does Bathurst Cycle, where I bought my bike have it in stock? No. How about Duke’s, they seem to know their shit, do they? Oh, what, you do? You just have to order it? GRAND!

I must say, Asshat, I thought my quest was over, Duke’s can order my part! I broke out the Baby Duck and boardgames. I danced to Interpol on my deck. My time of darkness was over, here comes the sun! The angry condescending man on the phone even told me how dumb I was for looking elsewhere first! If that’s not endearing, I don’t know what is. It will be in on Thursday. All is right again.

Well Asshat, you and Duke’s must be in cahoots in your attempt to drive me to insanity, because that was three Thursdays ago, and still, this unicorn of bike parts is not in. And it’s Gary’s day off today, so no one can even tell me when it will be in. Sigh.

Oh Asshat, I’m not sure why a girl like me gets all the rough luck when it comes to bikes. Maybe I’m asking for it, like a cute girl in a short skirt downing her eighth tequila shot on a Friday night. I do flaunt my bike, leaving it out in the open, looking ever so pretty. But, unfortunately my beautiful manatee of a bike can’t fit up my staircase, and my feeble arms can barely raise the beast anyway. So I must leave my beauty outside. Locked to a Toronto issue bike stand. I guess I am asking for it. I may as well leave a sign up, welcoming criminals to the veritable smorgasbord that is my bike. Need a badass dinosaur bell? How about some sweet blue handle bars? Looking for some thick tires? It’s all here for the low low price of FREE! All you have to do is bring your own wrench and break the law, but it’s ok, you’ll never get caught. That’s how this works.

So Asshat, after several more desparate phone calls this afternoon, I hope you will be pleased to know that now there is a pin prick of light at the end of this dark tunnel. Hopefully. I say hopefully because I am just so incredibly dejected. I don’t want to build myself up again, just to be cut off at the knees. But, NORCO informed me that Duke’s can order me a shim, which will take a 25.4mm seat post up to a 28mm. This sounds promising, and exactly what I have been suggesting to EVERY SINGLE BIKE STORE in Toronto from the beginning. But who takes any kind of non-sexual suggestions from a blonde with big boobs? Come on now.

This shim thing, it’s not as magical as the original, but like seven-year-olds all over the world, I’ll just have to deal. I am buying a horn and sticking it on a horse. It’ll do just fine.

Yours as ever,

maggie