Dear Mayor Ford,
I am writing to request a repeal of the law against explicit “Happy Hours” in Toronto (Ye olde coverage from CBC). I understand that this was a provincial ruling, but it would really be a boon if we could get this repealed on a municipal level. This law was instated the year of my birth, 1984, and frankly due to it I feel I have been living nothing but a half life. While I understand that drink deals do in fact exist, I think we really need to go whole hog again! Signs on blackboards advertising deals! No minimum price for beverages! Unadulterated Happy Hours for all (all that are 19+ of course)! And frankly I can’t think of a better way to spend that $60/year you saved us all on that wacky VRT!
I recently came home from New York, the city where every hour is happy hour, and it makes me sad – not happy – that in the city I love to call home there is no such thing. Surely we can spare one hour a day for happiness? Especially in the current political climate, I’m fairly certain everyone legally entitled to a drink could use one: A celebratory bottle of Dom for those who support what’s happening, and several shots of tequila for those who recently lost their bike lane, or are about to lose their jobs with the city. In fact, I think the handing out of pink slips, followed with a consolatory “it’s ok, at least it’s happy hour” would really gloss over the whole new found financial instability of those made redundant.
Come to think of it, reinstating Happy Hour will truly be needed if your proposed cuts to the Toronto Fire Department go through. It will be more than necessary to up Toronto’s wetness factor if you do indeed pull the 22 trucks (300 firefighters) you propose. Increased wetness means less fires right? I mean fires start due to excessive drought, right? Failing that logic, I know I’ll need a few cheap drinks after my apartment burns to the ground because there aren’t enough firemen in the city. I’ll also need more cheap drinks purely because there will be less firemen in the city – amiright?
Speaking of 911, I’m impressed you urged the public to cry emergency when they see graffiti in action! That is customer service for you! I for one know that the system is often clogged, having been put on hold once after witnessing a shooting. So it only makes sense to give the public something to do while waiting: Happy Hour. See some graffiti, a robbery in progress, murder, maybe the corner store is out of ice cubes, no worries, have a sidecar while you wait to speak to a 911 agent.
My campaign for Happy Hour happily coincides with the release of your KPMG report on city services. From what I read there’s tonnes of savings to be had, that will be made all the better with the reimplementation of Happy Hour. Lack of fluoride making people ugly due to bad teeth? Have another drink and look again! Unruly city parks due to cuts in upkeep? Have another drink and the brambles won’t hurt so much, have two more drinks and you might see the flowers again! Cuts to recycling programmes? Great! Because everyone will be drinking in bars again there will be no need to recycle clunky wine and vodka bottles at home. Less street cleaners and snow plows? I call the result “urban jungle”, kinda like that fun kid zone at Ontario Place, but with more garbage in the summer, and huge hurdles of snow in the winter. It’ll be like being on Gladiators 24/7.
Basically, Mayor Ford, we all need more happiness in our lives, and I think the easiest way to get more of that in this city is to bring back Happy Hour. Fascists and Pinkos alike can finally unite over a finely crafted, briefly discounted beer. Further your legacy; swap out all that gravy for a little more hootch!
Sincerely yours with hopeful anticipation,
I’m pretty excited to see what kind of canned response I get.