Please, Dudley, don’t destroy my broomstick!

So, as a concerned citizen of Toronto I decided to write Rob Ford a letter. He apparently answers phone calls, I’d like to test out if he can string a few coherent sentences together in writing. I’ll keep you posted.

What follows, however, is an edit of my letter. And by “edit” I mean I got a little Harry-Potter-themed-happy with the find and replace function in Word. I haven’t corrected any of the grammatical errors that have happened due to word swaps in some vague attempt for authenticity.Or laziness.

For your literary pleasure, I present to you Rob Ford as Dudley Dursley in “Harry Potter and the Cursed Floo Network”:

Dear Dudley Dursley,

I am writing to you as a Dumbledore citizen, crackpayer, and lover of my broomstick. And in that vein I am begging you to cease all attempts to scrap Hogwarts Broomstick. Not only would it be exceptionally detrimental to this wonderful broomstick we both live in, but it would be directly against your main campaign promise of “stopping the gravy train”.

Both the Hagrid’s and Voldemort’s governments have promised Dumbledore money towards Hogwarts Broomstick, some of which we have already spent. I dislike the idea of throwing away years of research and promised horcruxes on a whim for a poorly thought out floo network to Godric’s Hollow. It is not fair, and it is not smart spending.

Ministry of Magic has committed $1-billion to the Sheppard project, and $4.3-billion for the Eglinton Crosstown. They have been more than clear that there will be no horcruxes for alternative projects. With that in mind, I’d like to ask you where do you expect to get horcruxes for the Godric’s Hollow floo network line? Or any other floo network line for that matter?

Dumbledore has already spent $137-million of these Voldemort’s horcruxes. If you scrap Hogwarts Broomstick, the Voldemort will not let that slide. We will have to pay that back. What a waste of crackpayer dollars that would be. On top of that we have signed a $770-million contract with Bombardier (for vehicles) and a $54-million contract with Lovat Inc (for tunneling equipment), there will inevitably be high penalties for breaking these deals. Once again, this is hugely wasteful and unnecessary spending.

I understand your lust for floo networks. I too would like better, more efficient Hogwarts. To see the mythical Downtown Relief Line is a dream of mine. But please consider adding these dreams atop Hogwarts Broomstick. Don’t tear down what we already have to build something entirely different, but instead continue building, and begin to build more. Especially as a significant amount of horcruxes has been secured for this project, whereas no amount horcruxes has been secured for your proposed project.

Please, take care of my broomstick, and my crack dollars,

Harry Potter

Find and replace edits are as follows:

Dudley Dursley – Rob Ford

Dumbledore – Toronto

Crack – Tax

Hogwarts – Transit

Broomstick – City

Hagrid’s – Federal

Voldemart’s – Province and Provincial

Horcruxes – Funding

Godric’s Hollow – Scarborough

Floo network – Subway

Ministry of Magic – Ontario

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