Sugar sugar doo doo doo doo doo doo…

Just like most department stores, I have gotten ahead of myself and am in semi-full-on Christmas mode. Kinda. Mostly just in the way that I have started making dough for all the Christmas cookies I plan on gifting this holiday season. I have two in the freezer, and should have two more by nightfall. Yes, I am that insane. But when you bake seventy-kajillionity cookies, it’s handy to get a head start, regardless of the fact it’s not even Hallowe’en, that’s how stupidly ahead you are.

I am currently searching for an acceptable roll-out sugar cookie recipe to cinnamon up. I want to use one of my many many cookie cutters, and make a fabulous cinnamon-sandwich cookie-creation of electrifyingly colossal caliber. Basically, it’s gotta taste like everything you ever loved exploded in your mouth, with extra butter and sugar, but in a good way. So I’m browsing the interwebs, and I remembered that the Food Network website exists.

Fuck I love that website. And not for the reasons you’re thinking, no, but for the comments section. You see I live in a beautiful bubble. A bubble where people mostly aren’t idiots. And every now and then I like to burst this bubble by reading the comments that follow exceptionally delicious and simple recipes by superstar chefs. Now, I haven’t baked any of these cookies yet so I can’t personally vouch for them, but they are freaking sugar cookies. It’s not that complicated. They aren’t particularly exciting. Even my old roommate who only ate hot dogs and bags of Wonder bread (together, of course) can bake sugar cookies (shaped like Klingons!). So people, if he can do it, you all can. Also, if a recipe doesn’t work out, it’s probably your fault (though there are some sketchy recipes out there), but don’t get so freaking angry about it (like that time when I neglected adding any/all rising agents to my cake batter! Whoopsie-doodle!). There is so much unnecessary hate in this world, stop creating more because you probably just suck.

Here are some of my favs collected from Nigella’s and Alton Brown’s recipes (I’m leaning towards Alton’s myself, but I may veer completely off track and do a chewy sugar cookie instead, oh the decisions!):

 

Seriously, “until pale and moving towards moussiness”? “mix gently but surely”?
“tinged a pronounced gold around the edges”? Talk about trying TOO hard. It’s just a cookie recipe, and a poor one at that. Spend more time tasting what you recommend and less time with your thesaurus ‘Nigella’….(and I am sure your real name was like “Mary”.

This one is great because the author hates words more than the actual cookies.

 

The cookie was awful, it had no taste, I read the reviews prior to baking, I even added an additonal quarter cup sugar, used salted butter AND added an additonal 1/2 teaspoon vanilla, it still didn’t have much flavor, the only thing that saved the cookie was the frosting, we used the Betty Crocker in a can, it was easy for the kids. The batter however, did not change shape, it was right on, that was perfect. Next time, I will definately add more flavor to the dough.

I liked this one because in spite of the cookies being terrible (even after her exceptionally well thought out changes), she still gave out a 3/5 mark. Not bad!

 

it was really easy to make but I left them in the fridge for like 5 extra hours I didn’t think that would matter but it did i could not even roll them out they fell apart. they were like a rock trying to roll out

Common sense clearly eludes this critic. Thaw the dough un peu perhaps, then roll? Non?

 

This is the worst cookie recipe ever!!!!
Dry, dry, dry dough. Impossible to roll out.

And right below this review:

This cookie recipe is horrible! The dough was to sticky to work with and the powder sugar only made them hard. Maybe I did something wrong but in my opinion this was not good eats ;(

Ya think?

 

And finally my favourite, we all hate being made a fool in front of family and friends but nothing says disappointment like ALL CAPS!!!

I THOUGHT THIS COOKIE WAS GONNA COME OUT BOMB SINCE ITS AB , N I READ THE REVIEWS SOME SAID THEY CAME OUT GOOD AND SOME BAD!! I SHOULD HAVE LISTEN TO THOSE REVIEW! THIS IS THE NASTIEST COOKIE I EVER MADE, IT MADE ME LOOK BAD IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS I ENDED UP THROWING EVERYTHING AWAY! ITS GROSS!! DONT GET ME WRONG I LOVE AB BUT JUST NOT THIS RECIPE!

 

So in conclusion, bake on my foolish friends, bake on and please leave your fabulously angry reviews for my enjoyment!

Bake on and continue asking questions about substituting margarine in browned butter recipes, or whether you can use a hand mixer instead of an electric mixer or whether you should add an extra egg to compensate for removing the chocolate chips (wtf?!?!?!?).

 

Bake on my friends, bake on.

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1 Comment

Filed under Foods

One response to “Sugar sugar doo doo doo doo doo doo…

  1. Haha that is a funny post. I actually am guilty too of substituting things, but then I never write angry posts about it:)

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