An Open Letter to Toronto Bike Thieves: The Duece

Dear Asshat,

You didn’t write back. I guess I’m not surprised.

I have been bikeless for five weeks now. Four of which are your fault. My naturally good-natured demeanor is becoming bitter and testy, like recently soured chocolate milk. I am later for work. I am on a ramen and Tropicana diet, as I have no money left after spending it all on TTC tokens. I can no longer roll on down to my friend’s place to play Mario Kart. This is hardly a life worth living.

I hate you Asshat. I hate you most because along with my seat you stole my seat post.

I understand. It’s easier to take both. Unrigging the seat from the post takes too much time, probably looks more suspicious, just overall more of an effort. But herein lies the problem, my sweet Asshat. That seat post, that metal tube you no doubt used to beat up an old lady for her pensioner’s money, yeah that thing, that thing was 28mm. Now here’s something I bet you never realised, 28mm seat posts DON’T EXIST!!! They are like unicorns, mythical and beautiful, and hard to find in reality. Well Asshat, you not only stole my beautiful seat (which I hope your girlfriend is enjoying, by the way) but you stole the FUCKING UNICORN of SEAT POSTS!!! This poor 28mm seat post is probably lying sadly in a dumpster in Detroit by now, encrusted with grandma’s blood and raccoon urine, reflecting the glow of the distant flames.

I have been on a city-wide search for this ephemeral seat post. This piece of 28mm glory. Do NORCO the manufacturers of my bike make it? No. Does Bathurst Cycle, where I bought my bike have it in stock? No. How about Duke’s, they seem to know their shit, do they? Oh, what, you do? You just have to order it? GRAND!

I must say, Asshat, I thought my quest was over, Duke’s can order my part! I broke out the Baby Duck and boardgames. I danced to Interpol on my deck. My time of darkness was over, here comes the sun! The angry condescending man on the phone even told me how dumb I was for looking elsewhere first! If that’s not endearing, I don’t know what is. It will be in on Thursday. All is right again.

Well Asshat, you and Duke’s must be in cahoots in your attempt to drive me to insanity, because that was three Thursdays ago, and still, this unicorn of bike parts is not in. And it’s Gary’s day off today, so no one can even tell me when it will be in. Sigh.

Oh Asshat, I’m not sure why a girl like me gets all the rough luck when it comes to bikes. Maybe I’m asking for it, like a cute girl in a short skirt downing her eighth tequila shot on a Friday night. I do flaunt my bike, leaving it out in the open, looking ever so pretty. But, unfortunately my beautiful manatee of a bike can’t fit up my staircase, and my feeble arms can barely raise the beast anyway. So I must leave my beauty outside. Locked to a Toronto issue bike stand. I guess I am asking for it. I may as well leave a sign up, welcoming criminals to the veritable smorgasbord that is my bike. Need a badass dinosaur bell? How about some sweet blue handle bars? Looking for some thick tires? It’s all here for the low low price of FREE! All you have to do is bring your own wrench and break the law, but it’s ok, you’ll never get caught. That’s how this works.

So Asshat, after several more desparate phone calls this afternoon, I hope you will be pleased to know that now there is a pin prick of light at the end of this dark tunnel. Hopefully. I say hopefully because I am just so incredibly dejected. I don’t want to build myself up again, just to be cut off at the knees. But, NORCO informed me that Duke’s can order me a shim, which will take a 25.4mm seat post up to a 28mm. This sounds promising, and exactly what I have been suggesting to EVERY SINGLE BIKE STORE in Toronto from the beginning. But who takes any kind of non-sexual suggestions from a blonde with big boobs? Come on now.

This shim thing, it’s not as magical as the original, but like seven-year-olds all over the world, I’ll just have to deal. I am buying a horn and sticking it on a horse. It’ll do just fine.

Yours as ever,




Filed under Musings

3 responses to “An Open Letter to Toronto Bike Thieves: The Duece

  1. Well written, as always, Maggs.

    I can’t believe it’s been 5 weeks! You poor thing. Why don’t you ride the bike that was mine but wasn’t?

  2. kate

    This is getting stupid. I’m going to ask Eric if he can get/make you something, because in addition to being a BIKE GUY and he has access to all kind of metal and metal cutting and welding stuff and will probably be able to pull a post or a post + shim out of his ear, or whatever.

  3. kissmycupcake

    emma – yeah i really should… i think it needs a tune up. do you still want it? i’ll just ask you all this tomorrow…

    kate – thanks! and, seriously. it shouldn’t be easier for eric to weld one and bring it from LA than to freaking find one and buy it in toronto. it’s a metal tube, why is it so difficult? whyyyyyyy?

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