If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you son…

Hit me. Please. I’m serious. I’ve been trying to wait it out, but to no avail.

It’s happened. I’ve turned into a girl. A real girl. And it happened over night:

facebook

Yes, that’s ALL it took, one dream about babies. TEN BABIES!!! How is that not a nightmare? Who wants ten babies? Seriously. No one wants ten babies. Other than the Duggars, they want ten-kathousand babies. I do not want ten babies. But in this dream, I had all these babies, and they were all so cute, and I had the cutest, fattest one perched on my hip, with a little sunhat on. And, oh, her chubby little face. Her chubby face smiling up at me, glowing. GLOWING!?!?!?! Rosie fat baby cheeks! Cheeks you could pinch for years. And I loved that dream baby.

Ungh. Ungh x 10. Ungh x 10kathousand.

I woke up feeling warm and fuzzy, WANTING BABIES. Thinking, ooh, my babies will be SO CUTES.

Let me say for the record I HATE babies. They are wet, and smell, and scream, and spit up, and lots look ugly. I do not like them. Rather, I didn’t like them. Sigh. All my baby hating ways have vanished. POUFF! Any normal person waking up after dreaming about ten babies would call it a total freaking nightmare. Not me, no. No, instead I start cooing at babies. Giggling at babies. Smiling at babies on the street. Trying to make babies laugh.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

My boss brought in his new baby, it’s this cranky little thing. His tiny little fists are permanently clenched, ready for a fight, and he whines, and squirms and howls. He clearly takes after his father. I was hoping this would cure me, because normally a morning of this would be enough for me to go home “sick” for the rest of the day. But no, I was not cured. I said “sup holla” to the baby, looked at him, asked him questions about what was making him so angry. I was happy to see the baby.

It’s disgusting.

And then THIS happened. And I still want babies.Thanks a lot Dooce!

And then my sister found this:

baby 1

baby 2

baby 3

I’m sorry, that is the cutest freaking thing I have ever seen.

The giant dog is HUGGING the baby. COME ON!

Tomorrow I am going to a BBQ at my sister’s, and there will be a baby. I am excited to hang out with the baby.

Help me.

Basically, I am doomed. My solution? Put all my creepy, new-found baby loving energy into puppy loving. My new mission: Get a Great Dane. Awesome.

Attention all dogs! The following are important instructions for hugging a baby that every dog should know.

1. First, spy a baby.

Baby and dog

2. Second, be sure that the object you spied was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques. If you smell baby powder and the wonderful aroma of wet diapers this is indeed a baby.

http://www.clevelandseniors.com/images/pets/baby2.jpg

3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process. **Note: The added slobber should help in future steps by making the “paw slide” easier.

dog and baby

4. The “paw slide” -Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

dog and baby

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented “hug, smile, and lean” so as to achieve the best photo quality.

dog and baby

Advertisements

5 Comments

Filed under Musings

5 responses to “If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you son…

  1. Get a baby-Great Dane hybrid.

    You know you want to.

  2. Ailsa

    I have been watching an excellent series on BBC3 called ‘Underage and Pregnant’. It has put me off having children for at least the next 10 years. I would recommend you watch ‘Pregnancy, my big decision’, also on BBC3 but as you can’t get BB3 I think you are doomed, DOOMED!!

    • kissmycupcake

      bah hah hah hah. maybe i can download them… must save self from babies.

      that picture is, i guess, what comes up randomly. it used to be a big ol’ ugly blue square, now it’s some alien dude! you are a yellow triangle alien, AND it even got the curly hair right!!!

  3. Ailsa

    also what the hell is the picture that appears next to my user name when i post on here?! i have never seen this picture in my life!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s