Monthly Archives: August 2009

An Open Letter to Toronto Bike Thieves: The Duece

Dear Asshat,

You didn’t write back. I guess I’m not surprised.

I have been bikeless for five weeks now. Four of which are your fault. My naturally good-natured demeanor is becoming bitter and testy, like recently soured chocolate milk. I am later for work. I am on a ramen and Tropicana diet, as I have no money left after spending it all on TTC tokens. I can no longer roll on down to my friend’s place to play Mario Kart. This is hardly a life worth living.

I hate you Asshat. I hate you most because along with my seat you stole my seat post.

I understand. It’s easier to take both. Unrigging the seat from the post takes too much time, probably looks more suspicious, just overall more of an effort. But herein lies the problem, my sweet Asshat. That seat post, that metal tube you no doubt used to beat up an old lady for her pensioner’s money, yeah that thing, that thing was 28mm. Now here’s something I bet you never realised, 28mm seat posts DON’T EXIST!!! They are like unicorns, mythical and beautiful, and hard to find in reality. Well Asshat, you not only stole my beautiful seat (which I hope your girlfriend is enjoying, by the way) but you stole the FUCKING UNICORN of SEAT POSTS!!! This poor 28mm seat post is probably lying sadly in a dumpster in Detroit by now, encrusted with grandma’s blood and raccoon urine, reflecting the glow of the distant flames.

I have been on a city-wide search for this ephemeral seat post. This piece of 28mm glory. Do NORCO the manufacturers of my bike make it? No. Does Bathurst Cycle, where I bought my bike have it in stock? No. How about Duke’s, they seem to know their shit, do they? Oh, what, you do? You just have to order it? GRAND!

I must say, Asshat, I thought my quest was over, Duke’s can order my part! I broke out the Baby Duck and boardgames. I danced to Interpol on my deck. My time of darkness was over, here comes the sun! The angry condescending man on the phone even told me how dumb I was for looking elsewhere first! If that’s not endearing, I don’t know what is. It will be in on Thursday. All is right again.

Well Asshat, you and Duke’s must be in cahoots in your attempt to drive me to insanity, because that was three Thursdays ago, and still, this unicorn of bike parts is not in. And it’s Gary’s day off today, so no one can even tell me when it will be in. Sigh.

Oh Asshat, I’m not sure why a girl like me gets all the rough luck when it comes to bikes. Maybe I’m asking for it, like a cute girl in a short skirt downing her eighth tequila shot on a Friday night. I do flaunt my bike, leaving it out in the open, looking ever so pretty. But, unfortunately my beautiful manatee of a bike can’t fit up my staircase, and my feeble arms can barely raise the beast anyway. So I must leave my beauty outside. Locked to a Toronto issue bike stand. I guess I am asking for it. I may as well leave a sign up, welcoming criminals to the veritable smorgasbord that is my bike. Need a badass dinosaur bell? How about some sweet blue handle bars? Looking for some thick tires? It’s all here for the low low price of FREE! All you have to do is bring your own wrench and break the law, but it’s ok, you’ll never get caught. That’s how this works.

So Asshat, after several more desparate phone calls this afternoon, I hope you will be pleased to know that now there is a pin prick of light at the end of this dark tunnel. Hopefully. I say hopefully because I am just so incredibly dejected. I don’t want to build myself up again, just to be cut off at the knees. But, NORCO informed me that Duke’s can order me a shim, which will take a 25.4mm seat post up to a 28mm. This sounds promising, and exactly what I have been suggesting to EVERY SINGLE BIKE STORE in Toronto from the beginning. But who takes any kind of non-sexual suggestions from a blonde with big boobs? Come on now.

This shim thing, it’s not as magical as the original, but like seven-year-olds all over the world, I’ll just have to deal. I am buying a horn and sticking it on a horse. It’ll do just fine.

Yours as ever,

maggie

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I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more!

Oh God, it’s happened again. I have found some new Facebook app. to be addicted to.

First it was PackRat. My friend Alex and I would stay up late into the night plotting and trading and scouring the markets together. We did this FOR WEEKS. Seriously. Weeks. We’d stay up til 3am playing this game. Collecting cards. Luckily it was March, so it’s not like we were missing out on nice weather or anything…

Then it was Bejewelled. I just wanted to beat all my friends’ scores. Those sparkly little gems were so enticing. And the sound effects! Oh, bliss!

And now it’s Farmville.

farm!

My farm is hella cute. Or it was, now I’m just trying to sow enough oats to buy a barn. Once I get the barn I’ll cutes it up again. But I suspect once I buy a barn, I’ll want that sweet little cottage.

Oh dear, it’s clearly too late! I’m a  goner!

Run!

SAVE YOURSELVES!

But only after you become my Farmville friend please.

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If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you son…

Hit me. Please. I’m serious. I’ve been trying to wait it out, but to no avail.

It’s happened. I’ve turned into a girl. A real girl. And it happened over night:

facebook

Yes, that’s ALL it took, one dream about babies. TEN BABIES!!! How is that not a nightmare? Who wants ten babies? Seriously. No one wants ten babies. Other than the Duggars, they want ten-kathousand babies. I do not want ten babies. But in this dream, I had all these babies, and they were all so cute, and I had the cutest, fattest one perched on my hip, with a little sunhat on. And, oh, her chubby little face. Her chubby face smiling up at me, glowing. GLOWING!?!?!?! Rosie fat baby cheeks! Cheeks you could pinch for years. And I loved that dream baby.

Ungh. Ungh x 10. Ungh x 10kathousand.

I woke up feeling warm and fuzzy, WANTING BABIES. Thinking, ooh, my babies will be SO CUTES.

Let me say for the record I HATE babies. They are wet, and smell, and scream, and spit up, and lots look ugly. I do not like them. Rather, I didn’t like them. Sigh. All my baby hating ways have vanished. POUFF! Any normal person waking up after dreaming about ten babies would call it a total freaking nightmare. Not me, no. No, instead I start cooing at babies. Giggling at babies. Smiling at babies on the street. Trying to make babies laugh.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

My boss brought in his new baby, it’s this cranky little thing. His tiny little fists are permanently clenched, ready for a fight, and he whines, and squirms and howls. He clearly takes after his father. I was hoping this would cure me, because normally a morning of this would be enough for me to go home “sick” for the rest of the day. But no, I was not cured. I said “sup holla” to the baby, looked at him, asked him questions about what was making him so angry. I was happy to see the baby.

It’s disgusting.

And then THIS happened. And I still want babies.Thanks a lot Dooce!

And then my sister found this:

baby 1

baby 2

baby 3

I’m sorry, that is the cutest freaking thing I have ever seen.

The giant dog is HUGGING the baby. COME ON!

Tomorrow I am going to a BBQ at my sister’s, and there will be a baby. I am excited to hang out with the baby.

Help me.

Basically, I am doomed. My solution? Put all my creepy, new-found baby loving energy into puppy loving. My new mission: Get a Great Dane. Awesome.

Attention all dogs! The following are important instructions for hugging a baby that every dog should know.

1. First, spy a baby.

Baby and dog

2. Second, be sure that the object you spied was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques. If you smell baby powder and the wonderful aroma of wet diapers this is indeed a baby.

http://www.clevelandseniors.com/images/pets/baby2.jpg

3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process. **Note: The added slobber should help in future steps by making the “paw slide” easier.

dog and baby

4. The “paw slide” -Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

dog and baby

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented “hug, smile, and lean” so as to achieve the best photo quality.

dog and baby

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